Golden Globes Recap: Bump-Its, Betrayals and Fake Boyfriends

Well, I'm sitting here trying to watch the National Championship even though I declared College Football dead to me way early in the season. I'm doing my best to cheer for the team in orange even though it's a shade of orange that is horribly wrong. It's getting too difficult for me to bear, so I'm switching gears to write a little recap of Sunday night's Golden Globes. Who's with me? All the Longhorns? Alright, alright, alright!

Award shows are my National Championship, my NBA final, my Stanley Cup, my Super Bowl, if you will. So Sunday night after dinner, I planted myself on the couch, ignored all of the humans and the non-human in my house and glued my phone to my hand because it was time for a flurry of texts to happen between my friend, the Lovely and Talented Mrs. C. and me.

Mrs. C and I imagine ourselves to be quite the fashion experts/Hollywood insiders. We should probably have our own show on E! except we would be too busy laughing at our own jokes to keep anyone's attention. What is remarkable about our text conversations is that in 9 out of 10 texts we are typing exactly the same thought about exactly the same subject. We're pretty much just like Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen except we've eaten significantly more sandwiches than they have.

Before I share some of our highly anticipated opinions, I will point out that as I was critiquing every inch of every celebrity I was wearing a running tank top, a Nike hoodie and a pair of Target yoga pants that are probably eight years old. I'm not sure I was wearing matching socks. I can't speak for Mrs. C., but she was likely donning either a coutoure Dior gown or flannel pjs and a Red Sox sweatshirt. Either way, it's clear that we have all the necessary criteria to consider ourselves fashion experts. Here were the basic talking points.

* We were pretty much crushed by the disappointment we felt at Cate Blanchett's dress. Mrs. C went as far as to say that she felt betrayed. We look so forward to Cate's award season attire. This year it was like we were waiting for our perfectly mixed fountain diet Coke with the exquisite crunchy ice from Chick-Fil-A and then we were given a watered down diet Pepsi from Taco Bell. Heartbreak.

Diet Pepsi from Taco Bell Dress

We, however, will not lose faith in Cate. I'm certain the Oscars will be different. Let us remember last year's Oscar perfection.  Cate will not disappoint us again. I'm sure of it.

Diet Coke from Chick-Fil A Dress

* The L&T Mrs. C. loved JLo's dress. At first glance, I was not a fan and I think it was mostly the color I didn't like. When choosing a condiment colored frock, I tend toward ketchup or mayonnaise as opposed to mustard. I like it better in this photograph and maybe it's because she's pulling off that Angelina Jolie leg thing like nobody's business. Mrs. C. and I agreed that JLo is the most beautiful creature on the planet. We're not absolutely sure she is a real human being though. Her skin is otherwordly. If we win the PowerBall lottery we are willing to use the money to buy whatever she uses for her face which I imagine is some kind of combination of flecks of gold, fairy dust and elixir of unicorn horns.

She's too beautiful to be a real person

* Other winners for the women in our book were Queen Latifah, Emmy Rossum and my personal favorite, the stunningly beautiful Helen Mirren.

Queen Latifah's Lovely Tiffany Blue

Emmy Rossum's Radiant Red Lips Match Her Dress

Helen is my hero. Stunning.

(Y'all. Can you even imagine the excitement these women are feeling knowing that they were picked as Best Dressed by The Lovely and Talented Mrs. C. and me? They've really reached the pinnacle, I'd say.)

* We both agreed that the men were far better dressed than the women this year. Mrs. C. pointed out Patrick Wilson, Mark Ruffalo, Jon Hamm, Leo, Rob Lowe. and of course, my Fake Boyfriend, Matt Damon. I fell in love with him in Good Will Hunting which to this day is my very favorite movie of all time. My husband doesn't mind so much because I think he might have a crush on him, too. I had to watch his speech twice because he is humble and gracious and smart and has the cutest wife and family ever.

*We are tired of hearing that The Revenant was terribly difficult to make. Please stop telling us this. It's getting on our nerves.

*We have decided that Leo DiCaprio is arguably the best actor of his generation. Mrs. C. did divert from that for a moment though, reminding me that one of Leo's first roles was on Growing Pains. She suggested that after further thought the guy who played Boner, Kirk Cameron's best friend on Growing Pains, should certainly be considered in that discussion. This led me to google Boner where I found that he died tragically not too long ago. This caused Mrs. C. and me to feel great regret and sadness.

* We bounced back by noticing that Jon Hamm is devastatingly handsome, but we felt he looked rather thin. Mrs. C. says perhaps since Mad Men ended he's having a hard time giving up the cigs that Don Draper loved so much. We will probably be sending him a Nicotine patch soon to go along with his award.

* Denzel is the classiest man of all time. We love his family and want to have them over for brunch.

* Leo's left side of his mouth was a little droopy. Has he had a mini-stroke? Was he dipping? Has he not thawed out from the difficulty of shooting in the harsh elements for The Revenant?

* This was the best tweet I saw all night. Amen?

*Again, we cannot take one more mention of how hard it was to make The Revenant.

* Katie Perry definitely ordered a bump-it for her hair-do. Likely when she was up late at night eating ice cream watching infomercials while waiting for John Mayer to text. We also think maybe a bump-it for her boobs would have been a good idea.

* My heart stopped when I saw Leo and Kate Winslet talking. If loving Jack and Rose is wrong I don't want to be right. And if we're talking best actress of her generation, I go with Kate Winslet. Unless you put the girl who played Kimmy Gibbler on Full House in the conversation. In that case, it's a toss up, really.

* We kept thinking the NBC logo in the bottom of the tv screen was some kind of tattoo each time it fell on an actress's arm.

* Kate Hudson is absolutely gorgeous. I don't understand the missing fabric here. Did she drop her napkin and decide to use some Girl Scout skills to fashion herself a new one by cutting it out of her dress?

* Mrs. C. and I are thinking of hiring a lip reader to watch the Golden Globes with us next year.  The bleeping out is killing us. Note to google every single thing Ricky Gervais said.

*After watching 234 clips of Leo in the icy, cold wilderness, I've decided that if they just would have kept a good supply of Vanilla Mint EOS chapstick around it wouldn't have been that big of a deal. The bear might have even liked it.

* We have no idea what Ridley Scott was talking about which made me think he had picked up his wife's grocery list off the fridge as opposed to his acceptance speech.

*Quentin Taratino scares the fire out of me. He has a starring role in my next nightmare. I'm sure of it.

*Lastly, we can't take it for one more minute:

Dear Leo and Alejandro, Please stop it with the hardship that was your magnificent movie. Get back to us when your kid's game goes into extra innings in the middle of July in the DC suburbs while you're sitting downwind from a port-a-potty. Then we can discuss life's difficulties, okay, Mr. DiCaprio? Tell it to your supermodel. You'll get no sympathy from us, young man.

That about wraps it up for our Golden Globes recap. I'm sure the people at E! will be calling with multiple offers soon.

An addendum this morning: 
One last thing, friends. I mentioned a number of Kates and/or Cates. As I was writing about shallow and unimportant things last night I saw a post that another Kate, a precious little cancer warrior who I met last year at one of Kyle's Kamp's Pediatric Cancer events, has had some terrible news. Her mother wrote this on her facebook page,  

"The words remission and off treatment danced on our tongues for nearly four glorious months. But today I must share the heartbreaking reality of cancer. Kate has relapsed. Quickly and very badly." 

This Kate for today is the most important Kate in all the world for me. Please pray for beautiful Kate. Her family has no time to giggle and snark about celebrity fashion today. They only have time for waiting and praying for His grace and peace and healing. Join them, please. Lift up our sweet, Kate. Thanks.