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Thursday, April 4, 2013

Opening Day Archives: Baseball Ready, Ladies!

I sat through my first baseball game of the season last night.  It was about a million degrees below zero and the wind was blowing so hard that I felt sure that some flying monkeys and a wicked witch were about to show up in centerfield.  Which means I just lied.  I sat through about two innings and then I ran to my car and cried.

Despite the arctic April we're having and even though our official Little League Opening Day is still a week and a half away, the Skinners have jumped on the crazy train that is baseball season around here and I am trying really hard not to call in a prescription for anti-anxiety meds.  I have nothing in my head right now except for schedules and carpool plans, so I'll pull from the archives again, and bring you this from last year.  Put me in, Coach!

and you might need a special party, because in my world it is only a small handful of days until Opening Day and that is cause for great celebration and periodic bouts of panic. Let's see...Have you ever:

1. Noticed that flip-flop tan line and then realized that was actually a mix of baseball field dirt and sunscreen permenantly staining your recently pedicured feet?

2. Decided to splurge on the large Diet Coke before the game because it was a Thursday and you remember that the Port-A-Potty is always cleaned on Thursdays?

3. Realized that the Port-A-Potty people didn't show and started whimpering on your way to use it, then broke into a full-out tantrum when you had to go in?

4. Got your Pottery Barn Bed and Bath catalog and instead of picturing your own bathroom remodel, imagined those monogrammed towels and accessories in the Port-A-Potty at your local Little League field?

5. Had a number of 40ish year old men, who are not your husband, walk through your laundry room to get to the garage to get a beer to drink during the Little League Board Meeting while your bra (your very small sized bra) was hanging to dry?

6. Not been able to pass off said bra as your pre-teen daughter's because YOU DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER?!

7. Yelled at your son, "Get your head in the game!" after he made an error and then realized that it wasn't your son that made that error? Yikes.

8. Thought your husband's head was going to come right off his body when your son actually did make an error?

9. Prayed to God something like this: "I know, dear Lord, that there are tsunamis, earthquakes and starving children, but if it is Your will, could you please, oh please, oh please, could You just get my boy on first base safely in anyway that You possibly can? And could You please, oh please, oh please keep my husband's head from exploding if he doesn't happen to get there safely? Thanks much. Amen."

10. Stomped over to that obnoxious other team's side to give that mom a piece of your mind, then in this order:
1) realized that she was slightly scarier than Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear with as many tattoos.
2) glanced down to make sure your running shoes were tied tight.
3) real-quick-like, muttered something under your breath.
4) hustled your 5 foot 2 inch self back to the bleachers safely next to the biggest dad on your team.

11. Got tired of waiting for the game to start, so took it upon yourself to yell, "Balls in, comin' down", from your fancy schmancy Costco chair with umbrella, bottle opener, foot rest and cooler.

12. Found that your younger children think that the batting cage is their own personal playroom during game time?

13. Wished you could find a padlock for that batting cage? (I'm kidding...just during the game.)

14. Channeled your inner Martha Stewart and created a "Ladies Fit tee" out of that boxy team jersey with some craft scissors and ribbon?

If so, then you need to invite all those mommies like you to your house for a Little League Season Kick-Off party for Moms....(or Soccer or Lacrosse or Just Because You're an Awesome Person party) because let's face it, that calendar is filling up quickly and before you know it you're going to be sitting in the parking lot while your toddler sleeps, drinking a Gatorade that you found in your son's bat bag and chomping on a bag of Twizzlers you lifted off your kid and HEY LADY, YOU DESERVE A PROPER PARTY! Plan it now and let's play ball, people!!!!

PS All of the above are true stories and not only from my own personal life. If you are from my local little league and you think I might possibly, could be, by chance referring to you or someone you know (yes, I'm looking at you, the lovely and talented, Mrs. C., Mrs. M., et al), no worries. I will deny, deny, deny.

1 comment:

Jill D. said...

Ahhhh....the joys of baseball season! We are in full swing and I'm loving it! (but I'm always quietly relieved when it's over!) The best part really is hanging out with your Mom friends with nothing to do, but watch and chat. (sometimes chat more than watch!)