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Monday, September 1, 2014

Hold My Heart

Tonight I am floored.  Baffled. Confused.

But mostly, just really, really tired.

There are about 34 minutes left in August here in the Eastern Time Zone in Virginia.  There are 34 minutes left until September 1st rolls around. And September, of course, means new beginnings. School.  Fall. Football.  Leaves turned.  Pencils sharpened.  Routines begun.  And for those of us who have jumped head first into helping children and families fight cancer it is 34 minutes until Childhood Cancer Awareness month.

In these last two days of August, we have been hit with devastating news.  And can I just tell you that I have no words to write?  I have no comforting phrases, no inspiring quotes, no encouraging thoughts.  At least none that come from the bottom of my own busted up heart.  My friend, Mathias, got his scans back this week and his family's hearts are shattered.  My new friend, Alex, that I met in June, continues to see setbacks.  They both keep pushing, keep fighting, keep hoping for something more.  A precious 14 year old girl from Australia who spoke for millions of children and fought as hard as her little body could let her, lost her battle only hours ago.

Today I drove out to West Virginia for a baseball tournament.  All alone and with no one for whom I needed to put a pretty/fake face on, the news hit me like a truck.  I let the tears spill and I honestly and shamefully told my God that I just could not come up with one more plea.  How many thousands of prayers have I begged for Mathias since I met his family and him a year ago?  How many, God?  What more can I ask of You?  This summer we watched Chris and Tara and Sabrina and Kyle all get good news.  We rejoiced, we praised You, we thanked You.  Am I asking too much God?  Am I asking for one too many?  Have I just become greedy in my desire to see kids make it to high school?  Really?

By the end of my road trip, I gave up and just turned up my Iphone music.  Instead of talking and railing and fussing and accusing, I just shut my mouth and listened. And I heard THIS SONG by Tenth Avenue North.

People, this song and the words of someone else are all I've got tonight.  Because I'm fresh out of words.  I am begging Him to hold my heart.  To hold Mathias's and Roya's and Chris's and Alex's and Jenni's and Derek's and Erin's family's hearts.  Because our hearts are broken into little pieces and God is the only one who can put us back together.

I believe that He will.  I really do. I'm angry and hurt and sad.  But I know He loves us.  I know He grieves with us.  I know He won't let go.

So, tonight, when I have run out of pleas and arguments and making deals, I'm just going to be quiet and listen.



How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through?

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart

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