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Wednesday, December 3, 2014

A Christmas (Catalog) Story

I finally sat down last night to write about our Thanksgiving week.  Even though we had the most glorious time with my people in Texas, all I could focus on is the fact that I ate anything that wasn't nailed down and Texas lost to TCU.  When you've eaten at Whataburger twice and Sonic twice and your QB throws four interceptions, you need to take a moment and reevaluate your life.  For now, I'll just say two things:

1.  Spinach, Fish, Water, Repeat.

2.  I think TCU can beat anyone.  I'm looking at you, Alabama.  And also you, Jameis Winston.  And possibly you, Dallas Cowboys..

That's all I can tell you about Thanksgiving week right now.  When I am less bloated I will go back and revisit it and tell you lots of boring stories about how awesome my family is and show you some pictures you won't care about with all of us wearing burnt orange and eating stuff.

Instead of writing last night, I got distracted by the 2.7 million catalogs I have accumulated in the last two weeks.  My friend, Nancy and I are often perplexed by the Anthropologie catalog.  I adore Anthropologie, but what the heck is going on with the catalog?  Last summer, some girl was swimming underwater in her dress.  And this year?  Well, I wasted a lot of time last night looking at the catalog and I think I've figured out the gist of what's happening.


Girlfriend is just so tired. She's been knitting into the wee hours of the night. She's is about to lose her ever-lovin' mind, y'all.  She's trying to remember that Jesus is the Reason for the Season, but she is getting all caught up again.  She wants all of her sweet children to have hand knit stockings and she has just come to the realization that she hasn't a clue how to knit.  And look at how her Christmas tree fell down and now she has to use it as an ottoman.  The pine needles are going to snag her tights, for heaven's sake.  She should at least sit in a comfy chair in her pjs and watch all the episodes of Scandal she has piled up on her DVR while she knits.  She's going to have chronic back pain if she keeps sitting on that bench.


I'm not exactly sure what is happening here, but I have a guess.  Girlfriend has broken under the stress of getting ready for Christmas.  She simply could not face the failure, once again, of not being able to make her house look like the Pottery Barn catalog.  She simply could not make all three of her kids smile at the same time for the Christmas card and they all just ended up calling each other buttheads.  She couldn't figure out how to quadruple her green bean casserole recipe to feed all 30 cousins on her husband's side and Uncle Ralph's 5th wife, so she just flat out lost her mind and ran away from home.  Bless her heart, she is now living among the woodland creatures. Someone is going to have to talk some sense into that girl before she has a family of squirrels nesting in her $168 gold maxi skirt.


Here we find that Girlfriend's little respite has her feeling  much better.  She is serene and peaceful and while she's not terribly dehydrated, she's just going to quench her thirst in the nice, calm creek outside of her treehouse. 

Or she might be panning for gold.  One can't be sure. 

Either way, Girlfriend is about to turn around and see that creepy reindeer.  I think I would title this photo:  "T Minus 3 Seconds 'Til SUPERFREAK." I'm pretty sure once she sees Rudolph back there hanging over her shoulder, she'll return to her family mighty quickly.


Here we find that Girlfriend has returned to her family only to find that her husband has lost all control of the children.  They are eating Froot Loops for dinner and just look at what he has dressed this one in.  For the love.  Thank goodness she's back home.  


And while some of the other children in the neighborhood have perfectly decorated houses and plates full of beautiful Christmas cookies, Girlfriend's kids are sure to be the envy of their friends this holiday season.  Yes, sir, they sure will 'cause just look at what mama brought home for Christmas, kids! 


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