Good morning.
I really hope it is for you. For me, to be honest, it's overcast and grey and I am cranky with a capital C - R- ANKY. I'm pretty sure this Friday Favorites will be late in posting today, if it posts at all, because I am coming to this space pretty much worn slap out. I have been writing here each week about searching for joy, looking for gratitude, and finding moments of hope in the midst of this absolute crap-show we're in and in full disclosure, this week I just wasn't good at it.
I have a thousand things to be grateful for. A thousand ways to count that this situation is not as bad for me as it is for so many. Acknowledged. Understood. Perspective is helpful. But if it is forced upon us with a wagging finger of shame - whether our own finger or someone else's - it generally does not do its job. All that to say:
THIS SUCKS.
(Sorry, Mom.)
Because in the midst of this global crisis, there are still all the other little and big bumps in the road that life continues to hand out.
HEY, LIFE. Read the room, Dude. Lay the heck off.
So, this morning I spent some time having it out with the Lord. In my head and in my journal. Instead of writing down all the things I'm grateful for, I spent the morning writing down all the things I'm angry and sad and worried sick about. I listed all the things that we've missed out on since this whole debacle started. I spent some time asking Him why He is waiting so long to answer prayers for people that I have prayed for years. I wondered why in the world He won't be clear on decisions that need to be made when I have begged Him to speak. I berated Him for seeming to turn away when it is so obvious that we need Him to move now. It wasn't like those Instagram posts of someone's journal with pretty handwriting in straight lines. It was scrawled out and ugly. A bunch of angry underlining. Multiple question marks. Lots of "DO SOMETHING."
I scribbled down Psalms which showed that I am not the first one who has shouted at the Lord. In Psalm 138:8b, David pleads "Do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 74 is full of confusion and impatience beginning with "Why have you rejected us forever, O God?". Verse 11 asks, "Why do you hold back your hand?" and verse 28 demands, "Rise up, O God, and defend your cause."
Now, let me say here that inevitably some kind soul will think that I'm crying out for someone to reach out to me and see how I'm doing. That's not what this is. I'm not in crisis. I have some (a lot of) feelings and sometimes I share them here. And sometimes I don't. I also have close, trusted friends who listen and counsel and love. I am blessed. I'll see a better day. I'll probably even see a better this afternoon.
Just this week in Genesis 16, I read the words of Hagar. Mistreated, outcast, and alone she is met by an angel of the Lord. He tells her that "the Lord has heard of (her) misery." Hagar replies "You are the God who sees me. I have now seen the One who sees me."
No matter how many accusing words I write or upset feelings I feel, those verses are at the very center of what I have always known and, no matter how hard I try sometimes, are what I will never stop believing about God. There is just no way around it for me.
As angry and hurt and disappointed as I feel this morning about so many things in this life? As frustrated as I am about the seeming lack of attention the Lord is giving to me and to all of His people? As confused by the utter lack of wisdom and truth to be found right now?
I can't run from Him. I can't push Him away. I can't anger Him too much or insult Him beyond what He can handle with my doubts and fears. No matter how confused or alone I feel, I cannot and will not wrap my head around the idea that He has abandoned us forever. Frankly, even as I sit at my desk with a tear-stained Bible and a fuming heart, I just can't buy into hopelessness.
In the deepest part of me, I know that He is there. The One who sees me. I just can't shake this God of mine.
I'll be back next week with all the usual favorites: skincare products, things I love on Netflix, books I'm reading and obviously, I'll probably have a new pair of joggers to share. But for today, I guess it's just all this - the musings of a tired, sad, confused heart, but a heart that is incapable of losing trust in the One who sees.
Carry on, Friends. Enjoy your weekend. Talk to God. Yell at Him even. He can take it. Let's not give up on Him because He sure won't give up on us.
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