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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Dear Dr. Oz: You're kidding me, right?

From late yesterday afternoon, June 25th. 

It is ridiculous that I am writing a post about my Dr. Oz Green Detox Drink Debacle, but I am.  The thing is that I'm a little stressed out today and I feel better when I write even if it's about ridiculous stuff.  My dad is having a surgical procedure on his back as I write this and my mom is pretty sick herself and since I am way too far away from them, I'm doing what Mrs. R. and I refer to as the "Superfreak", so I need to pray, write, pray and write.  God has given them an army of friends and my amazing aunt and uncle, so they are covered in blessing today.  Still, if you are up for it, if you could send up a prayer for both my parents, I would be ever so grateful.

So, I tried the Dr. Oz detox drink.  I got all of that stuff out of my fridge and I chopped it all up and snipped it all up and crushed it and squeezed it and I had to use a food processor and a blender.  A juicer is recommended, but I heard those juicers are expensive. And for some reason when I opened my coupon drawer, the 436 Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons that I usually have were no where to be found.  And really, who am I kidding?  This green juice thing will happen again, maybe, um, never.

I was telling Kyle about what I was planning to make and started listing all the ingredients and as soon as I got to about ingredient #2, he said, "Ok, Mom, thanks.  I've heard enough." and walked out of the kitchen.  I got just about the same reaction from Mrs. R.  Mrs. R. knows all kinds of stuff about healthy and organic things.  She hasn't eaten meat in forever and she knows what millet and quinoa are and all that.  Mrs. R. made it to about ingredient #4 and said, "I'm sorry, I'm with Kyle. That sounds disgusting."  So Mrs. R and my son just left me all alone with my detox dreams. 

After I destroyed my kitchen, I poured the drink in a beer mug.  It was exactly the right size is all.  I took the first sip and it wasn't so bad.  But, then.  Oh, but then.  Then I had to pace the floor of my kitchen like a boxer about to enter the ring and I had to talk to myself just like Mickey talked to Rocky Balboa, so that I could finish it. When I drank the last drop, I threw my hands in the air in victory and almost threw the glass at the wall. I was so proud of myself. 

Then Joe and Kyle walked in from the pool with a friend and they looked quite alarmed at the state of the kitchen.  My own children looked at the blender and then at me like I was a freak and scrunched up their noses and said, "How can you drink that, Mom?  That is so gross."  I felt like the kid who brings the tuna sandwich to school and smells up the whole cafeteria.  I think their sweet friend felt sorry for me, so he offered to taste the drink.  He clearly has been paying attention to the anti-bullying messages at school.  Joe and Kyle were fascinated.  It was like an episode of Fear Factor.  He took a sip and said that it wasn't so bad.  I said, "Buddy, please.  Yes it is.  The sink is right there."  So he spit it out.  Still, that boy will forever be an 11 year old Heavy Weight Champion of the World in my book.

Let me tell you something, Dr. Oz.  You are made of better stuff than me, my friend...literally.  I put the remaining green stuff in the blender in the fridge, but I'm not so sure I can handle that again.

Here is a photo of my kitchen during the whole scene.  It does not look at all like Oprah's set when Dr. Oz visits and juices up the place. 

Yes, that is a Diet Coke there hiding behind the mint leaves.  I had to drink it while I was chopping and squeezing and blending.

Let me tell you something people:  Rome was not built in a day, okay?

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