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Friday, December 20, 2013

Manic Moments at the Mall

I have just spent my second full day at the mall.  And I have a couple or nine topics to discuss with you. You might be able to  relate or you might still have one more visit to the mall left on your to-do list.  Then you will wonder why you wasted your time here and why I didn't just post a sweet holiday-ish Friday {this moment} photo of Drew watching Charlie Brown Christmas.  The problem is that I didn't have time to take a sweet photo like that because apparently the first half of Charlie Brown Christmas is very difficult for Drew to decipher.  He asked me 6.234 questions.  He makes good grades at school.  I'm quite perplexed by his difficulty in following the storyline of the Peanuts gang.  Anyway,  here's what I need to tell you about the mall.

1. I am not a fan of large department stores.  I'm looking at you, Macy's. You have some lovely merchandise and some crazy good discounts. I did buy quite a few gifts for my people in your store, but there is waaayyyy too much going on in there.  Too.much.  Too much stuff all squished together.  Too many people in line with coupons falling out of their pockets and purses.  And the "domestics" department?  Oh my land.  You cannot move in there without running the risk of toppling 124 boxes of Cuisinart.  Also I have no idea where in the world you get your Holiday Playlist.   Someone was singing a song about Suzie Snowflake coming into town and tapping on your window.  It was excruciating and frankly, a bit creepy.   

2.  If I have to go to a big department store, I adore Nordstrom.  I had no good reason to go to Nordstrom after Macy's, but I did because when the second stanza of Suzie Snowflake started up, I was afraid that I was going to end up in a fetal position under a circular clothing rack.  When I walked into Nordstrom, it was heaven.  It was wide open with gleaming floors and there was a real live guy playing the piano for no apparent reason.  The music was really calming.  I almost took a moment to do a downward dog right there in the shoe section. 

3.  Speaking of Nordstrom.  I find it curious that there are people on my list that are hard to buy for, when I find that I am one of the easiest people to buy for in all the world.  I have very few needs, but I have found this week, that I have many a want.  When shopping for others, I find it very, very simple to find numerous things that I am sure I.must.have.  I'm not sure what this says about me.  Hopefully, it doesn't say that I'm trying to fill a space in my heart with a pair of Hudson jeans and an infinity scarf.

4.  Can we talk about the Kiosk People?  Bless them.  I feel terrible when I scoot by them with my head down, but I really don't want a fake pony tail extension or a neck pillow and I certainly don't need anyone to spray me with perfume.  I get so stressed out when I see them coming at me that I waste all kinds of time going up or down stairs and escalators and having fake conversations on my phone because I don't want to hurt their feelings.     

5.  I really think that Hollister might be a prime spot for harboring terrorists.  I decided to venture in there because I've established how I feel about Abercrombie.  The environment in Hollister is quite similar.  It is so dark in there and the music is so loud that it can be really disorienting.  On the other hand, it is possibly the ideal place to hide out from the Kiosk Guy who was yelling at me about how he had the perfect solution for my dry cuticles even though he has never even met my cuticles.

6.  What is going on with Barbie?  I don't frequent the Barbie aisle, but I took a look yesterday.  Now I loved Barbies when I was little.  In my day, there were not so many darn Barbies to choose from.  I am a-ok with Barbie Veterinarian and Barbie Astronaut and your basic Barbie Princess. But I had to scoff at "Black Label Barbie".  Like the little girls don't have enough to worry about with Barbie's fabulous boobs, now they have to worry if Nellie Neighbor Girl has one upped them by having the exclusive and ultra hip "Black Label Barbie"?  Come on, Barbie.  Who do you think you are? The Real Housewives of Miami?  Take it from me, you cannot fill up the hole in your heart with whatever is in your miniature shopping bag.  I took a photo of pretentious Barbie for you and you'll notice I almost chopped off her head.  And maybe that was on purpose.

7.  Don't forget to get out your glasses to double or triple check the price on certain items.  This would seem obvious, but sometimes a girl is just completely thrown for a loop.  For example, just because I want to be the ultimate helpmate for Husband, I thought I'd send him some ideas if by chance he was having trouble deciding what to get for me.  I am very unselfish like that.  So, while at Dick's Sporting Goods, I found this running jacket

I was getting ready to snap a photo of it and text it to my husband when I realized that this costs $350.  Do you suddenly become Flo Jo when you wear this?  Does it come with an Olympic Gold Medal?  Please.

8.  Be nice to salespeople.  When it is Christmas time, be kinder than is necessary.  I don't care if they are slow or frazzled or if they are not sure of the exact sales price.  Life is hard sometimes, but get a grip, ok?  I don't care if you are in a gigantic hurry.  This is what I want you to do when you get frustrated.  I want you to realize that the person behind the counter is a human being and is not perfect.  I want you to remember that you, no matter how important you imagine yourself to be, are not perfect.  If you want perfection, sister, you better keep looking until you find Jesus Christ standing behind the counter scanning your 50% off coupon.  That's all I have to say about that.

9.  Last, but absolutely not least, I need you to know that the guy who helped check me out at Dick's Sporting Goods was not named Jesus.  But, do you want to know what his nametag said?  Zeus.  I'm not sure if that's his real name, but I'm totally okay with it if he just made that up.  I think having a guy named Zeus in your life, if only for a few minutes is pure joy.  Maybe you don't, but I would say if you are out and about today, hustling and bustling and stressing out, just look for the little things to give you some joy and perspective . . . like having a guy named Zeus reach up and get that Under Amour shirt off the top rack for you.

Happy shopping and don't forget:  BE KINDER THAN NECESSARY!!!  OK?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Just a joy to read