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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The View from the Couch: The Sochi Olympics

I wasn't sure how into this Olympics I would be, but just moments ago I was jumping up and down in my family room screaming, "SKI, GIRL, SKI LIKE THE WIND!!!" at Sophie Caldwell and it is not even 8:15 am.  I'm sucked in, people.  So I feel the need to share my thoughts on the Sochi Olympics thus far.

The US Uniforms by "Ralph Lauren"
I did not see the Opening Ceremonies.  I did, unfortunately, see the US SWEATER TRAVESTY OF 2014.  Please.  This is what I've determined.  When I was a fourth grade teacher I read my students the book Sweet Clara and the Freedom Quilt, which is about a group of slaves who stitch a map of the Underground Railroad into a quilt.  The only thing I can figure is that due to the terrorism concerns, there is some sort of map to safety woven into the fabric of those sweaters because otherwise, why are my athletes wearing a patchwork blanket?  I'd say we have a ghost designer situation going on here.  Ralph Lauren is a true American hero for putting his name on the work of some Department of Homeland Security employee's grandma.

Poor Bob Costas
Bless his heart and his left eye.  There's nothing left to say there.

Watching Ice Dancing with Husband and Three Boys
I cannot get my boys to the theater or an art exhibit to save my life.  On one of the snow days a couple of weeks ago, I was determined to take them downtown to a museum.  We ended up at Bowl America basking in the cultural mecca of wearing shoes made for public consumption and partaking in watered down fruit punch served by a darling woman who was no less than 106 years old.  So, I feel the Ice Dancing is a step in broadening the boys' horizons.  To hear my 15 year old baseball player's commentary which includes yelling out, "DAD!  HURRY UP! HERE COMES THE TWIZZLE!  THE TWIZZLE IS COMING!  THEY HAVE GOT TO NAIL THE TWIZZLE OR IT'S ALL OVER!" is possibly the best part of my Olympic experience to date. 

I am generally not in agreement with the line of thinking that everyone should get a trophy. My kids' rooms are full of trophies from seasons when their teams failed miserably. I'm certain they would like me to add that some of them are actual championship awards, but come on y'all.   The number of trophies we have far outweigh the number of championships.

Having said that, I think that the only requirement for getting a medal in snowboarding should be that the participant does not die.  I'll give you that perhaps the gold medal should be reserved for the kid who breaks the least number of limbs or at least doesn't fully blow out his or her patella for the love.  But I would propose that even if someone completely wipes out, breaking all bones in his body, but still manages to live, somebody needs to summon Bela Karoyli to carry that person up to the podium and give.the.dude.a.flippin'.medal.  My word, I called on Jesus so many times watching that this weekend you would have thought I was at tent revival.

Also, I have decided that I must become best friends with all of the US snowboarders because they look like more fun than a barrel of monkeys.  In addition, I would propose that Jamie Anderson, besides clearly being the coolest gal on the planet, is obviously the newest American supermodel because STUNNING.

Figure Skating with Ashley Wagner
I think Ashley Wagner is a phenomenal skater. I thought her black sequined costume deserved the gold medal all by itself.  But . . .  unless that ponytail flip is among the required elements of the short program someone needs to deduct points each time that happens, especially if the performance is OVER ALREADY.  I'm sorry, that's just my own bias, I suppose, but she is going to wrench her neck at worst and annoy the fire out of a snarky housewife at best.  Having said that she is working her tail off and represented my country with an amazing performance while I sat in my pjs drinking a glass of wine.  I suppose she can do whatever she likes with her ponytail.

Kerrigan/Harding - I Miss You So
Speaking of figure skating, can we all take a moment to reflect on the Kerrigan-Harding Debacle of 1994 because I was OBSESSED.  I loved Nancy's Vera Wang outfits and I loved those Harding Bangs that Remember how Nancy's mom was legally blind and would sit inches from the tv screen to watch?  And how Tonya started crying right before her performance because her shoe lace broke?  The lovely and talented Mrs. C. and I were about to explain it to her daughter one night and I felt the only way to accurately portray the angst and drama that was that historical day was to begin by yelling out, "WHY? WHY? WWWWHHHHYYYY?" in my very best imitation of the lead pipe shot to the shin heard 'round the world.  This sent Mrs. C. and I into a fit of giggles such that we could not continue the story. I think our kids just left the room at that point because when two women, who between them have bore five children, start laughing that hard, it is wise to take your leave because it could get messy.  Now, I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to join me in praying for Mrs. C. and me because we need forgiveness for finding so much joy in the most tragic American sports event of our time.

This just in:  Sophie Caldwell fell in the finals, but she still finished higher than any other American ever has in her event.  I am a mess of tears for her.  Which means that this would be the appropriate time to close this post with:

The Best Olympic Commercial of All Time
I will just continue sobbing watching


If you don't feel like crying today, don't watch.  You might just be in the mood to put your hair in a ponytail and whip it around a little bit instead.  I'm not judging.  Carry on.

1 comment:

Leigha Sather said...

Jen, knowing you love the Olympics, you MUST watch Jerry Seinfeld's Olympics skit, make sure you watch the Involuntary Luge one also. The boys and I watched it yesterday, it's one of my favorites all time and we all cried, it's just that funny! It's on youtube, GO USA!