There's been a lot happening here and I've been away from this space. I'm feeling a need for sitting still and listening more. Less chatter and rambling from me. More waiting on Him.
Sometimes I find that words don't come easy and I realize that I'm in the throes of sudden panic, at a loss and frantically searching for answers. As if I blew off all the homework and the test is today and HOLY CRAP. Why didn't I study? Why didn't I listen? Was I daydreaming during that lecture?
The picture of my prayer life of late resembles a kid wandering around lazily tossing a ball in the air and letting it fall easily into his glove. I move through my days with my plans and my to-do lists, occasionally throwing up a prayer or two - my request, my way, my urging, my expectation. I lob one up here and there, expecting that He will easily answer me. Surely, it shouldn't take much concentration on my part? Surely no quiet or reverent listening? I've been a Christian, a firm believer, for a long, long time. My glove is broken in. It's a sure thing. Won't He just toss that answer back to me so that it fits perfect and snug into that worn space in the leather? Can't I just lay out my glove in front of me, close my hand around the answer I want and move on to the next inning?
Be with him during that test, Lord. Let him know how much we appreciate his hard work, Lord. Heal this friend's heart, Father. Keep that friend on Your path, Jesus. Bring Your spirit on that grieving mama, God. Hurry, please. I gotta go. Next batter up. Next inning. Next game. Hustle up, God.
Then, suddenly, the balls come crashing all around at once and there's no easy play. That prayer I had lobbed up lazily? It wasn't answered the way I thought it would be.
But wait, God? Why didn't you answer it my way? I thought we had handled this one? I thought we had an agreement? I was done asking about that one. I thought you were in ready position, glove down, all set to field it cleanly for me, God? Are you still in the dugout chewing sunflower seeds? Did you forget what position I asked you to play? This is not the way the game is supposed to go, man!
Today I don't know much. I don't have the exact, air-tight answers to the specific prayers I am praying. I'm going to have to wait on those. But I do have one answer.
Hebrews 13:8 tells me that no matter where my heart is or my mind is, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.
God is the most loyal, most reliable team captain I will ever have. He's never late to the field. He always knows the line up. He always has the game plan. It doesn't matter what I do, what I say, what I plan. He will make my paths straight. He will work all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. And I will only discover this truth if and when I remember my position which is to sit down, shut up, lock my eyes on His face and trust the leader of my life with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength.
Today I will remember this.