Oscar Night Recap: Subtitled: Sigmund the Sea Monster for the Win

Happy "Day After the Oscars", Friends!

Or as it will be referred to this year, that time I experienced a full-blown identity crisis because I realized I'd seen exactly four of the movies listed in any and all of the categories nominated for awards. FOUR. And honestly, it was only three until the night before The Oscars when I watched The Florida Project which had one measly nomination because Hollywood has lost its ever-lovin' mind.

Y'all. What the heck? Ain't nobody going to convince me that I should spend ten American dollars on a movie about a girl that falls in love with a sea monster that lives in some sort of bathtub in her workplace. NO.BOD.EE.

You know why? Because nobody's fooling me into thinking that the filmmakers didn't totally steal that idea from Sid and Marty Krofft because I already saw that story. In the early 70s my brother and sister and I spent Saturday mornings sitting on an orange shag carpet, eating bowls of Lucky Charms while we watched Johnny and Scott try to save Sigmund the Sea Monster from his evil brothers, Blurp and Slurp. There was suspense, loyalty, courage and all manner of shenanigans. Not to mention, remarkable performances from the guy from Family Affair. Add The Land of the Lost to that lineup and you can be assured that I was scared out of my mind most Saturday mornings.

wikpedia.com

Having said all that, I can say that the best movie I saw all year was The Big Sick. It was nominated for a screenplay award, but it didn't win, so that's all I have to say about the movie portion of Oscar Night. Let's move to the more important stuff like all the dresses, jewelry, hair and makeup.

Unfortunately, The Lovely and Talented Mrs. C.  - the Tina Fey to my Amy Poehler, if you will - and I couldn't do running text commentary as often this time because I had some family over for BBQ and couldn't get to the tv until an hour or two late. We did fire off a few texts though.

First up I know you are curious what we were wearing.

For me: vintage black tshirt by The Gap with a bbq sauce stain on it paired with grey joggers and black running socks which have been worn for neither jogging nor running in any capacity for about three weeks, bowl of ice cream by The House of Breyers, Bracelet by Goody Hair Elastics.

For her: fleece pajamas by Costco Couture and a plate of french pastries by the guy at the corner Farmer's Market near our 'hood. For the after party, she wore the lemon custard from the pastry ON her pjs for a versatile look. She paired this ensemble with her teeth grinding prevention bite guard.

Now that we've established our obvious fashion expertise, here's who stood out to me on the red carpet last night.

Jennifer Garner

Gold Medal. I know that I am biased because she's my Fake Best Friend, but oh my word was she perfection. I don't normally love bright colors, but I loved this blue on her. I loved the neckline and I loved the train. Her earrings, her hair and just, in general, her own darn self were the best I saw all night.

Gal Gadot

It appears they definitely picked the right person to play Wonder Woman because this whole thing is a wonder. I love every bit of it. Usually, I want to shout, "Settle down with the plunging neckline, lady!", but I like this because I think the necklace makes it less plungy. (Plungy? I know, it's a wonder Vogue hasn't hired me.)  The silver sequins, the dropped waist fringe, her hair pulled back so as not to take away from all that's going on with the dress? SQUEAL! Fake Daughter and I were freaking out.

Helen Mirren

I will see your every last celebrity spokeswoman for every last skincare serum, cream, lotion, or other magical potion and I will raise you whatever the heck Helen Mirren is using. What is she doing? She is absolutely stunning and real and her face seems to move when she talks which is kind of rare. I want to be her when I grow up. This is classy and gorgeous. The jewelry, her hair, the dress color. I can't even.

Gina Rodriguez

The plunginess (there are many forms of the verb, plunge, OK?) of this is a bit much, but look, I'm a 49 year old mother of three male teenagers . . what do you want from me? I still give this an A. I'd raise it to an A+ if you take off the train or bustle or whatever it is and just leave the belt. Also, Jane the Virgin is on my next Netflix binge list. Gina Rodriguez is adorable and I've heard great things about the show.

Tiffany Haddish

Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph were the best presenters by far in my opinion. I loved this white dress with the jeweled choker. And I have to give gigantic props to Tiffany because apparently she wore this dress two other times and she doesn't even care because leaving a dress like this in your closet is ten kinds of stupid. She should wear this dress everywhere. I love it.

Nicole Kidman

thecut.com

I don't really love this. The color is okay but I like Jen Garner in it better and also like I said, she and I are besties. I like the slit here, but what's happening in the middle? Is this a bow? Is it a giant ruffle? Pockets? I'm going with pockets because of this tweet I saw last week.

I am completely on board with "snack holes" and I think Nic is as well. None of those ladies eat for weeks leading up to Oscar Night, so I think she played it safe and asked her designer to make her snack holes big enough to hold an In and Out burger and a large fry.

Camila Alves

This woman is beautiful and she is married to fellow Texas Longhorn, Matthew McConaughey, which makes us basically sisters. Unfortunately, I think she forgot her lipstick and even though I certainly don't mind sharing clothes with my sister, I don't think borrowing my prom dress from 1987 was a good call.

You see? I'm not even kidding. I'm so sad that you can't see how shimmery this dress was. It could have blinded you. Also, rest assured that 18 year old Jenn did NOT forget her make-up. I think I worked on my purple eye shadow for about three hours that day and my bangs for four because TEXAS PRIORITIES. Camila, stay out of my closet and you'll come back to us as perfect as you were here.

Salma Hayek

*Sigh* She is one of the most beautiful and talented women around and I'm pretty sure she's smart, too. I just want to cry about this color and the skirt and the sleeves and the chains running across her neckline. Then I'll cry again because I'm so shallow. Salma, please come back to us. I'll even take this.

Am I saying that I prefer the unibrow and the monkey as a shoulder accessory over the dress that looks like a version of My Little Pony Goes to the Prom? Yes. Yes, I am.

Viola Davis

thecut.com

This was perhaps the saddest moment for me because I LOVE Viola Davis. I think she's beautiful and talented and she is usually one of my favorites on the red carpet. Unfortunately, Mrs. C. says - and I am not at all surprised - that she's pretty certain that back in 2003 her daughter had a Barbie wearing this dress. Viola, we know you will come back to us. Check out how perfect you are here at the Golden Globes and at the Oscars last year.

PS Viola, who even cares what I say, right? I'm wearing striped navy and white Gap pajama leggings, purple socks and a burnt orange Texas sweatshirt right now, so do with that information what you will and then promptly feel sorry for me and my opinions and go about your fabulous day.

Well, that's about it, friends. My college kid is home for Spring Break and we intend to see some movies this week. We're thinking Black Panther, The 15:17 to Paris, Darkest Hour and/or 3 Billboards. 

Let me know what you suggest in the comments and don't even come at me with the fish love story. We don't care how many awards it won because nothing will compare with my memories of Sigmund the Sea Monster and Joe has Finding Nemo to call upon in case he needs to do so. We will not be sucked in by the hype. We thank you for your support of our resolve and we'd like to thank the Academy for absolutely nothing. Weirdos.