ad sense

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The View from the Flu

I believe there are studies that show that the reading of Facebook, blogs and other social media can have adverse effects on a gal's self-esteem causing her feelings of envy and/or inadequacy about herself, her home, her marriage or her kids.

Let it be known, that you are going to feel A-OK after this post.  Just fine and dandy about your entire life, your mental and physical health, and about the successes of your little people. Either that or you will think, "Why didn't she just stay in bed and keep this all to herself?"

I've been wearing pajamas and/or yoga pants for the past four days and my hair is disgusting.  My husband, at my suggestion, has slept in the guest room for the past three nights, lest he slumber in the equivalent of a petri dish.  My house has been cared for by four men and I gotta say that it is faring better than I expected.  We are currently well above fraternity house standards.

This all began on Saturday as I was basking in victory and relief as my son's basketball team had just squeaked out a win over a tough opponent.  This is where I provide for you one of those sickening overly proud momma moments by showing you what I could have posted on Facebook:

My remarkable nine year old made an amazing lay-up when our team was up by a mere six points with only one and half minutes left in the game! My child is so awesome that no one on the other team even TRIED to cover him.  He was WIDE OPEN.  And that would be because he made the bucket on THE OPPOSING TEAM'S BASKET!!

Do not let it be said that I am a shameless bragger of a mom.  I can throw my kids under the bus with the best of them.  I have never been more certain that my children cannot hear me when they're playing because I might have been screaming bloody murder when he started off in the wrong direction. Drew's team and his coach (dad) were wonderful and supportive and he was able to laugh it off.  We were just heartily grateful that his older brothers had previous commitments and missed that stellar moment.

As soon as we left the game, I started to feel like I had been run over by a car, crawled into my bed at 11:30 am and stayed there pretty much for the next three days.  Except for when I had to take Kyle to a basketball tryout during which I tried to sleep in my car slumped over my console.  I'm sure it was quite a sight for passers-by.  Come to think of it, no one called 911, so I'm a little concerned about the lack of good Samaritans out there in high school parking lots these days.

Sunday was spent trading periods of sleep, weird dreams and weirder tv and I wasn't sure where one ended and the others began.  There is some really bizarre stuff on TV on Sunday afternoons.  Or else I was hallucinating.  Either situation is a real possibility.  Here are some highlights of my Sunday in a flu induced haze:

*I had a dream and/or hallucination that involved my friend, Dave, who has coached baseball and basketball with my husband a number of times over the years.  This means that the majority of Dave's wardrobe outside of work consists of shorts, a Loudoun South Little League Pullover and a team visor.  I had a dream that Dave was doing a very impressive figure skating routine in his normal Little League coach's attire with the addition of some gleaming white skates. He nailed the short program, by the way. Scott Hamilton was beside himself.

*There is some kind of commercial for Sprivia (I don't know what that is) where an elephant follows a senior citizen around on a beach. It's possible I was puking during the first part of the commercial and missed a crucial point in the plot line, but I don't get it.

Perhaps the elephant was a hallucination.

*The main guy from the King of Queens reruns is hysterically funny. 

Perhaps this was a hallucination because later that guy was in Paul Blart, Mall Cop, so it doesn't really add up.

*Kyle stole the remote from me and forced me to watch Gator Boys with him.  Lady tells guy that there is a gator in her pond.  Guy just walks right on in to the murky water to find the gator.  HE IS NOT WEARING ANY SHOES.  I'm not sure why his lack of footwear bothered me so much when very soon after, his face was inches from the gator's mouth, but I was hyperventilating about his bare feet.

I can only pray that this was a hallucination because THIS IS NOT A SAFE ACTIVITY TO SHOW ON TV.

*There is a tv show called Strange Addictions and let me tell you something.  Do not, under any circumstances, watch this show, but particularly not during a circumstance where you feel like you are going to throw up at any second.  Someone was drinking her own urine and someone carried her dead husband's ashes around and ate them.  What kind of cuckoo for cocoa puffs stuff is that?

Perhaps this whole thing was a hallucination.  One can only hope.

But I can't decide which scenario I prefer.  These are real things that people decided to put on the tv or they were flu induced hallucinations?  I think if I'm hallucinating about that kind of stuff I might be on the road to Crazytown, too.  I'm disappointed in my hallucinations.  I thought hallucinations were supposed to be kind of cool and fun like me taking a magic carpet ride with Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights while Bon Jovi sings Wanted Dead or Alive or something.  No disrespect to my friend, Coach Dave and his triple lutz, of course.

The good news is that I think I might be on the road to recovery because today I watched some really normal stuff on Days of Our Lives involving Marlena, Maggie, Hope, Victor and the gang, who all look exactly the same as they did when I stayed home with the flu in 7th grade 30 years ago.  And I have found that Stefano DiMera is still causing all kinds of havoc in Salem even though he has died no less than 23 times in the past 30 years. That is no hallucination though.  That makes perfect sense.  So things are looking up and all is right with the world again.

Like sands through the hour glass, people.

No comments: