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Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Oscars Recap: aka I'm Avoiding Election Results

I'm full of anxiety and worry for my country tonight. I've voted in every election there has been since I happily and proudly voted for George H.W. Bush for President in 1988. I didn't feel happy or proud today. I felt saddened and ashamed. Even the candidate for whom I voted, who I was feeling fine about last week, stooped to a level I was hoping he would stay above this past weekend. It's terribly disappointing. It's like I want to take away their toys, send them all to their rooms and make them write apology letters to all of the American people.


When I got into some serious hand wringing the other day, my friend Nancy reminded me of this verse from Daniel:

“Blessed be the name of God from age to age,
    for wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons,

    deposes kings and sets up kings;

he gives wisdom to the wise

    and knowledge to those who have understanding.
He reveals deep and hidden things;

    he knows what is in the darkness,
    and light dwells with him.

So in the interest of not having my head spin off, I'm going to hold on to that verse. Then I'm going to breathe in some lavender essential oils and skip watching the election news coverage. Instead, I will turn my focus on frivolous, unimportant things that do not matter at all like an Oscars recap!!

You just have no idea what you're gonna get when you hop on over here do you, folks? Bible verses, Earthy mama essential oils, avoidance of important national news and critique of overpriced fashion. We are straight-up all over the map here at The View from Behind Home Plate.

In regard to the Oscars, I have a confession to make. I didn't last very long into the telecast this year.

I got very little sleep the night before and also, I'm old and also, DEAR SWEET LORD IT WAS BORING. I also didn't want to stay up to see that even though Matt Damon (my fake boyfriend) was nominated and had as much of a chance, in theory, to see the podium as anyone else, I knew there was no chance he could beat Leo. I mean when you take a glamorous, super-model-dating movie star and have him wear some sort of rotting animal skin and chap up his pretty boy lips so badly that a gal feels the need to jump through the screen to offer him a lifetime supply of Dr. Pepper LipSmackers, the Academy really has no choice. Whatever. I liked Leo in The Departed better.

The Lovely and Talented Mrs. C. and I had our phones all ready for texting and then we just got bored out of our minds. I felt bad because Mrs. C. is a huge fan of The Walking Dead and she DVRd it just so we could virtually watch The Oscars together. Ironically, we were so bored with the show that we actually wished someone would come plunge a dagger into our skulls. Still we were able to click out a few thoughts to each other before we blew the whole thing off.

My very favorite and best dressed of the entire night was this kid, Jacob Tremblay, from Room. I did not see the movie, but I read the book in about 72 hours. Move over, Leo. This boy was the king of the world. Adorable. I saw him in the first five minutes and should have just turned it off and called it a night right then.

Mrs. C and I felt both shocked betrayed by Cate Blanchett's boring dress at the Golden Globes, but we knew we could count on her to come back to us at the Oscars. I will say that I do not think this gown could be worn by anyone else in all the world. If I wore this I would have looked like a blue cupcake. This color was the exact same color as Cate's eyes and the detail was phenomenal. She is in a class all of her own. Welcome back, Cate. We aren't worthy.

Naomi Watts was also on my "Best Dressed List" of the night. And also she made the "Best Lipstick List". She's lovely.

Speaking of lips, my prediction is that plastic surgeons around the world will be shown a picture of Priyanka Chopra in the next few weeks. She is just stunning and I love this dress. Especially the belt.

Mrs. C. and I are positive that Jennifer Garner is our best friend and she just hasn't been told yet. We're pretty sure she will show up at Panera for lunch with us next week. We will eat salads and then she's invited to come home with us and hang out in her pjs and do that Thriller dance with us like she did in 13 Going on 30. She looked just beautiful. I'm so proud of my bestie.

Mrs. C. and I have decided that Michael Strahan can also be part of our posse because he is a Delight Machine. However, we are not a fan of the blue tux. It gave Mrs. C. flashbacks to the Timberlake/Spears matching ensemble from the early 2000s. Mrs. C. wondered if it was some sort of "brushed denim".  We will discuss this with Michael when he meets us at Panera for lunch. If you're wondering, he will order a Steak and White Cheddar Panini. He can't come to the pj party because he needs to shop for a new tux.

Then there was another one of our faves, Mark Ruffalo, who also sported the blue tux. I think he might have a side job as an usher at the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular.

No more blue tuxes, please, Gentlemen. Take some notes from Jake Tremblay above. That kid schooled you guys.

Pretty sure the lady that won for Best Costume Design was at 7-11 earlier in the day grabbing some Chili Cheese Fritos and a Slurpee. I know she got a lot of criticism for her lack of formal wear and I even heard some people wouldn't clap for her. That's rude and ridiculous. Mrs. C. and I will therefore be inviting her to our pajama party with Jen Garner. We don't care what you wear, ma'am. Just be sure to bring your Oscar and some 7-11 snacks.

We are quite disturbed by this neck accessory that Jared Leto is wearing. Mrs. C. thinks maybe it is one of those pinwheels that her grandma would make out of fabric scraps.

Dear Heidi Klum, everyone says that you could wear a paper bag and still look beautiful. We would have preferred the paper bag.

Lastly, the best moment of the night had to be when Kate Winslet and Leo walked the Red Carpet together and then when Kate was beside herself when Leo won.

Wouldn't it be great to live in a world where Kate and Leo lived happily ever after together?

Well, sometimes the world doesn't look like we want it to look. Which is why I'm not watching CNN right now.

Good night, friends. And God bless America.

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